


Once a Thief Series

by terma_archivist



Category: Once a Thief (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-01
Updated: 2001-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:15:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26498491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terma_archivist/pseuds/terma_archivist
Summary: Mac and Vic spend one night together, but fate doesn’t want them happy yet.
Relationships: Victor Mansfield/Mac Ramsey
Kudos: 1
Collections: TER/MA





	1. It is what it is

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [TER/MA](https://fanlore.org/wiki/TER/MA) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [the TER/MA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/terma/profile).

  
**It is what it is  
by Ratfink**

  
_It is senseless  
Says reason _

It is what it is   
Says love 

It is misfortune   
Says the mind 

It is nothing but pain   
Says fear 

It is without future   
Says knowledge 

It is what it is   
Says love 

It is ridicules   
Says pride 

It is dangerous   
Says caution 

It is impossible   
Says experience 

It is what it is   
Says love 

(Erich Fried) 

  
"Okay, you guys, I think we can call this a job well done!" 

"Yeah, I mean we were able to bring down the bad guys, and we only shot a few of the good guys." 

Vic came back into his living room where his two partners were sprawled over chair and sofa and trying to fight back sleep. He knew exactly how they felt; he was tired as hell and just waiting for them to leave, so that he could fall into his bed. That didn't stop him from smirking though when he heard Mac's statement. 

"What do you mean 'we'?" he asked."I thought you were the only one shooting innocent bystanders!?" 

Mac only snorted at Vic's remark. He was too tired to think of a good comeback, so, he allowed Vic to have the last word for today. He also enjoyed the bantering between them, which was something he would never tell Vic, but it was one of the reasons why he tried to tease Vic more often now that he had discovered that his partner actually possessed a kind of humor, which was something he truly appreciated. 

Vic, still expecting a smartass remark from Mac, threw himself on the couch beside him and started slowly to relax. Resting his feet on the table in front of him, he felt the adrenaline slowly leaving his body and tiredness taking over. 

Li Ann, on the other hand, was done relaxing and reluctantly rose from her comfortable resting place to find her way home to her bed and the long awaited sleep. She had crashed a million times on this couch here, and not only there, but right now, she didn't think it was such a good idea to stay overnight. She didn't wanted to give Victor hope where there was none. 

"I'm leaving", she stated simply and got her jacket. She was almost out the door when Vic's voice calling Mac in a kind of desperation made her turn around, to the funniest display she had ever seen. 

Mac, who was obviously as tired as they all were, was indeed not as smart as she was. Instead of going home when sleep was about to take over, he had closed his eyes for a few seconds and was now sleeping like a baby, his lips slightly parted, looking extremely peaceful, in Victor's lap, where he cuddled up to Vic's thigh. Vic was just about to shake him awake when Li Ann's voice stopped him 

"Let him sleep; we all need this now. He can crash here, can't he ?" 

Counting on Victor to do the nice thing, she closed the door behind her, laughing quietly to herself when she thought about Mac's face in the morning when she would tell him what she had seen. And she would tell him, to dampen his arrogance towards Vic. 

Vic, on the other hand, thought about what Li Ann had said, and he knew she was right. Mac hadn't even stirred when Vic had called his name; he was sleeping like a rock and kicking someone out in the cold like this was just not Vic's cup of tea. 

_Okay Mac,_ he thought to himself, _I at least am going to sleep comfortably as well._ But when he tried carefully to leave the couch to go in his bedroom, Mac slung his arm around his waist and brought him down to lay on the couch. The couch, that was most definitely too small for two people to sleep on it. When he was just about cursing Li Ann and his own good heart, sleep crept up on him as quietly and determinedly as it had crept upon Mac, and he fell soundly asleep, curling himself around Mac into a comfortable sleeping position. 

* * *

The first thing Mac saw when he swam slowly to consciousness was Victor's face about one inch away from his. His nose peeked up from in between one of the cushions and his own shirt. That was the moment Mac really started to wonder where he was and why the hell he was there with Victor, of all the people. His first attempt to try to find out more was stopped by the fact that he couldn't bring himself to wake up fully. He just wanted to rest like this a little while longer, and not only because he was still tired. Victor was stretched out halfway on top of him, his head resting in the crook of his arm, and somehow this was startlingly comforting. Mac knew that he had feelings for Vic, but he hadn't allowed himself to think about it. This was like one of his wet dreams come true. So he reacted the only way he could, with using his free hand running his free hand through Vic's soft hair. It was a little bit longer than it had been when they first met, and he liked that; it gave his face a smoothness that hadn't been there before. Just when Mac was losing himself in the moment, Vic started to stir in his sleep. But instead of turning away, he was snuggling closer to the warmth beside him. While Mac was still trying to figure out where the hell this was leading, Vic came slowly awake, still holding tight to Mac. 

The thing that surprised Vic the most was that he had slept through the entire night without having a nightmare, and the second thing that hit him was that there was someone beside him on his couch. Before he could figure out what exactly was going on here, Mac decided that now would be a good moment to say good morning. _It was the least he could do,_ he thought, _since he was the guest here, and Vic obviously had no clue what was going on._

"Morning, sleepyhead!" 

"Mac? .....Uh.......Now I remember, thanks for falling asleep on my couch, by the way!" 

"Hey, I was tired; what could I have done?" 

Vic didn't really need an answer to this anyway; he was just realizing how they both had spent the night, that he was still resting in Mac's embrace, and that neither of them seemed to object to this in any way. And instead of reacting in any logical way, they simply snuggled closer, and Mac kissed Vic's forehead in a rather intimate manner. Well, as intimate as a peck on the forehead could be anyway. Mac felt as if he had left his body and was only seeing from far away what was happening. All he wanted to do was yell at himself to stop doing this. 

_Any moment now, Vic will realize that it was me who just kissed him, and then I will be pretty much a dead man._ But Vic didn't seem to react at all. He just stayed where he was, taking Mac's hand into his and looking at it, as if their hands entwined was the most extraordinary thing he had ever seen. 

Vic was totally aware of what was about to happen. He had felt the sexual tension between them for quite some time now, and he knew that this would happen sooner or later, so he thought that wasting any time now was just not an option, and he really surprised Mac by turning around and covering Mac's lips with his own. And that was the moment Mac returned to his body, taking over, still in shock, but willing to take this as far as he could. 

He opened his lips slightly, inviting Vic's invading tongue in, feeling the smooth interior of Vic's mouth, and melting into this feeling of utter happiness. He hadn't felt like this for such a long time that it didn't take long for him to have a reaction to this intimate caress, and when Victor turned around a little bit more to have better access, he felt Vic's hardness against his thigh. Sighing happily, he was finally sure that Vic wanted him as much as he wanted him. 

He writhed under him as his hands moved over his back and ass. He braced himself and kept kissing him, taking his mouth with long tongue thrusts, sliding to nibble on his lips, then sucking his tongue. Vic enjoyed listening to the helpless sounds Mac started to make. His fingers dug into his partner's ass, urging him to move harder and faster, and so he did. Mac pulled up his knees and buried his face in Vic's neck. He ground against him, and suddenly Mac's back arched, his pelvis slammed up against Vic, he shuddered and groaned loudly. Vic put a hand behind the younger man's head to prevent it from hitting the wall when he collapsed. Mac stared up at the ceiling with blind eyes. 

"I needed to be touched so badly," he said finally. "So damned badly, for so damned long." 

Vic kissed his lips gently and murmured to him. When Mac returned back on earth again, he started stripping Vic down, his eyes gleaming, then lay back on the couch as he kissed his way down to nuzzle Vic's balls. He was tender and gentle, and soon Vic wiggled on the couch to get comfortable and stroked Mac's back with his fingertips. Vic had had experiences with other men before, but the way Mac gave head was incredible. Slow. Intense. Passionate. He kept his eyes open, meeting Vic's eyes, exploring his body, and occasionally releasing his cock so he could nuzzle it and admire it. He was feasting and he let Vic know it. Vic wanted it to go on forever, but Mac's talented mouth made that impossible. Finally, Vic couldn't fight it anymore, and he tapped Mac. He smiled, then took Vic's cock in deep and sucked it hard. It startled Vic and shoved him over the edge. He erupted, cumming much harder than he'd expected to. Mac swallowed the cream with gentle moans. Finally, he put his head down on Vic's thigh, his softening cock still held lightly in his mouth. His eyes drifted closed, and he released a deep sigh. Reluctantly he let go of Vic and moved up into the older man's embrace and kissed him softly on the lips before closing his eyes again and passing out. 

* * *

The next time Mac opened his eyes, he felt satiated and more happy than in a long time. Victor was draped across his chest, and he was sleeping soundly. Now that was something he never ever expected to get to see. Not that he hadn't hoped for it. He had wanted Victor for quite some time now, but he didn't know how this had happened and why they both had dropped their defenses so easily without really having a reason to do so. Vic stirred slowly, and Mac felt him awaken. He seemed a bit disoriented, but then again, so did Mac. When Vic looked around and took the scene in, his eyes darkened, and he seemed to be shocked and ashamed. Before Mac could say anything, he was out of his bed and out of his bedroom. Mac's heart sank, and he suddenly felt very ill. 

_Okay, Mac, you are going to have to talk to him about this. He wants you, otherwise this would have never happened, and whatever problem he has, there has to be a way out of it._

He wanted Victor, hell, he even loved him, and having come so close to what he wanted, he would not give up so easily. So he stormed out of the bedroom, stopping cold when he saw Vic sitting on his couch, crying. The tears just ran down his cheeks, and he didn't make a sound. When he heard Mac enter the room, he looked up, and their eyes locked for one brief moment before Vic's eyes cast downwards again. This one moment, though, was enough for Mac to realize that this was not some little problem that could be easily solved. It looked as if Vic wanted to die, or worse, as if he already felt dead. This raw pain that radiated from Victor couldn't stay unanswered, Mac didn't think one second about what he was doing. He just saw Vic and his pain, so he did the only thing he could do; he walked towards the couch and wrapped his arms around the still crying man. 

The older man turned immediately into the embrace and held on to Mac, as if he were the last anchor in a stormy sea. Mac started muttering loving nonsense, his voice deep and soothing, not knowing what was going on here. They had spent one night together. For him it had been incredible. When he had woken up, he had felt loved and secure, but for Victor this seemed to be right out of a nightmare, though he still held on to Mac. After a few minutes that seemed like an eternity to both men, Vic regained control and loosened his hold on Mac. Mac allowed him to move out of the embrace, but his arm rested on his partner's shoulder, not willing to let go so soon, not without an explanation anyway. 

For the first time since their love making, Vic looked into Mac's eyes again, but the heat and love had vanished. Instead there seemed to be nothing but a soul wrecking sadness. When he started talking, his voice was small, and he spoke as if in pain. 

"I'm sorry, Mac, this should never have happened, I can't do this..."he trailed off, waving his hands around as if to show whatever he couldn't allow to happen. 

Mac just looked at him, shell shocked. He felt like crying himself now, and that was a part of his personality he didn't even know very well. He grabbed Vic's hand with his own, looking pleadingly into his eyes. 

"Vic, you can't be serious. I don't know what happened this morning, but I loved every minute of it, and so did you. I am not asking for a long term commitment here, and I won't push you into something you don't want, but you can't just walk away from this. Not like this." 

"I am not walking away, Mac, I just can't take this any further. If I were someone else, if I had met you some other time, I would drag you into a long term relationship myself. This is nothing I would fear, but the way things are, I can't. I can't just love you and forget where I am coming from. There are a lot of things about me you don't know, there are people in my life, important people in my life, that I can't forget, and as long as it is how it is, I want you....as a friend. A partner, someone I can trust, but that's all. I'm really sorry I allowed this to happen, but sometimes I forget. I didn't think ahead, I ignored what you would feel, and that's something I normally would never do. Please believe me, I will never do it again, but this is not supposed to happen, and it will not." 

With these last sentences Vic's voice got stronger, and there was absolutely no doubt in his voice. His face was guarded, and no emotion whatsoever shone through. Mac felt betrayed all of a sudden. He had seen these eyes shine at him, he had seen the smile after they kissed, and the pain a few moments before, and anything was better than this. He reached out for Vic, but he turned away, standing up, looking down at Mac, who was still trying to figure out what the hell was going on here. 

"I know we can't be friends anymore after I treated you like this, and believe me, I wish we could. I will ask the Director to place me with someone else; I think it will be easier for all of us, and I hope you will understand one day.” 

"Understand what? You're telling me nothing here. You're giving me hints; you decide for me, for us, and you think I will just sit here and listen to this crap? I want a reason from you, what are you hiding? You got a secret lover hidden somewhere in your closet? I can't believe...." 

He was just about to tell him to get lost, Vic knew it, that's why this had been so wrong. Whatever decision he made, it would always cost him everything he had, and in this case it was Mac's friendship. It had always been like this; everything he touched turned into bad luck for himself and, what was even worse, for all the people around him. This single moment, while he waited for Mac to say goodbye, he let down his guard, just for a second, but long enough for Mac to see, and to realize, that he was hurting Victor more than Victor could ever hurt him, and he was doing it intentionally, something his partner would never do, so he finished his sentence the only right way. 

".....I can't believe you really think I would throw away our friendship like this. I like you, I trust you, and we work well together, so if that's all you want, we'll work our way around the dangerous parts, and we'll stay friends, but I expect you to tell me one day what the hell is bothering you so much, and then we'll think about it again....Okay?" 

Vic looked up again, and that was definitely relief in his eyes. 

"Thank you, Mac, and one day I will tell you." 

"Good, I better leave now, before the Director shows up here, trying to catch us in the act. There's a briefing tomorrow at 8, so I'll see you then." 

With those brave words he turned around to go to the bedroom and get his clothes. He reached the bed and sat down heavily before his weak knees could give away, trying to stay calm. He had meant what he had said. He liked Victor, he respected him, and he would not throw away this friendship. But he was hurt; he had opened his heart to the man he loved, and there was no love there for him, maybe lust, maybe just desperation on Vic's part, but not love, that was for sure. But from Vic's behavior he also saw that Vic cherished their friendship, just like he did, and he would have to work from there. Because one thing he was sure of, Vic had agreed that one day they would discuss it, and they had better come to an understanding about this because he would get Vic, one way or the other, even if he had to seduce him all over again. But until then, it was for the best if he agreed to Vic's little plan. Better than losing him altogether. 

Vic wasn't doing much better; the moment Mac had left the room, all his strength seemed to vanish, and he almost fell on the couch. He couldn't believe this had happened. He had feared this since the first time he realized that he was falling for Mac, but he had hoped that he would never act on his feelings. Now, knowing what he had allowed to happen, he felt more ashamed than he had ever imagined. A secret lover, well not so far from the truth, he thought. Not so far at all. But he loved Mac, and he didn't wanted to lose him. Even if that meant to tiptoe around him all the time, making sure this would never happen again, it was better than going on without him. 

When Mac was done dressing, he came out of the bedroom, finding Vic in his own thoughts, and he simply said goodbye, with a little peck on the cheek, making sure Vic would not forget that Mac wanted him but also not stepping the line Vic had drawn. Vic looked a little irritated but not mad, no, not mad at all. He was out the door before Vic was able to say something, and that was maybe for the best. 

The next morning Mac was on his way to the agency for the briefing, and he was in a really good mood. He had had the time to think about what had happened, and there were a few things Vic had said that he didn't understand at the moment but that could only mean one thing. Vic had said, that he would normally drag him into a relationship, and he had said he loved him. At least that's what Mac had heard, and so he was convinced, that everything would turn out fine. Maybe he would have to wait a little while for Vic to come around, but he would sooner or later, and then they would have a few more mornings like this, and nights, and evenings, and it was a really bad idea to think about this on his way to work. 

_Don't want anyone to notice this, now don't you._

He couldn't know that right at that moment Vic's past started to wake and affect his future. 

* * *

Disclaimer: They are not mine, but I think you already knew that. I am not making money out of this but if someone is out there who wants to pay me, go ahead!!!   
Summary: Mac and Vic spend one night together, but fate doesn’t want them happy yet.   
Series/Sequel: Part one of a series. Part two follows soon   
Comments: This starts out pretty sappy. Knowing me, it will also end this way. In between it will be a little bit darker, so be warned.   
Thanks to Orithain for betaing, and putting up with my extremely creative punctiation. I guess education isn’t anymore what it was, or maybe I just slept through school.   
Feedback always welcome and craved!!!   
PLEASE [email removed]   
---


	2. We Are Each Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac and Vic spend one night together, but fate doesnt want them happy yet.

  
**We are each other  
by Ratfink**

  
_There's no more little secrets  
we haven't yet disclosed   
We bore the living daylights of anyone too close   
And all our cards at Christmas are written to us both   
Count them up, who's got the most _

Said we'd be close said we'd work perfectly   
Said that we'd toast beautiful company 

Closer than a sister to her baby brother   
Closer than a cat to the child that she'll smother   
It's too close for a lover it's too close for a lover   
We are each other we are each other 

Closer than a sister to her baby brother   
Closer than a secret agent working under cover   
It's too close for a lover   
We are each other   
(Beautiful South—We are each other) 

  
The moment Mac entered the briefing room, he felt like a kid in high school again, looking forward to seeing his secret love. It was a mixture of happiness and depression and, lacking a better word, butterflies in his stomach. Vic and Li Ann were already there waiting for him, and the Director was nowhere in sight. Which,of course, was great because he was late anyway, and he really didn't want to fight with her again. 

Victor wasn't doing much better. The moment Mac entered the room, his head snapped up, and their eyes met briefly before he looked away again. It was somehow comforting seeing him again, knowing what they had shared. He would have never thought that this would be the way he would feel about it. After Mac had left his apartment, he had started to think about his situation. Mac's closeness had scared him. It had been something he hadn't expected to happen. But he knew that he would not lose Mac's friendship, and that was all he needed to know for now. He wouldn't touch a man again. He had promised himself that, and he intended to stay true to it. He still couldn't figure out why it had happened, but he knew in his heart that it was wrong. That was a path he would not walk again. Never! Li Ann didn't notice anything strange in their behavior, and so she simply said hi to Mac and checked her watch. Just as she was about to mention that he was _again_ late, the Director entered the room, so she kept the thought to herself. 

When Mac looked up at and saw the Director's eyes, he knew at once that something was wrong. She looked at Victor, and in her eyes there was something that could only be described as affection. So there was most definitely something wrong. Vic didn't seem to notice anything and was still intent on looking at the table in front of him. The Director finally gave him a wake up call by handing him a letter. Vic took the letter and looked for a sender. Finding none, he opened the letter and started to read. He looked more and more surprised until he finally asked, "What the hell is this?" 

The Director was, as usual, pretty vague in answering his question. "Since I bailed you out of jail, all legal proceedings that have to do with you go through me. I guess you know about the rest of this. If you don't mind, I would like to start the briefing now. Personal questions will be answered later." 

Mac had kept an eye on Vic during this conversation, and he was dying to know what this letter was about. He also hadn't missed the way Vic had paled while the Director had talked to him. The briefing went on, but neither Mac nor Victor listened to a word that was spoken. Vic kept his eyes and concentration on the letter, and Mac his on Vic. The moment the briefing was over, Vic jumped up and followed the Director out of the room, and again to the total surprise of Mac and Li Ann, she allowed her agent not only to stand in her way, but she also seemed concerned during their talk. When she had said what she had wanted to say, she dismissed Victor with a wink. He then left without a further word to her or his partners, who had followed them outside, both too curious to stay in the room. They hadn't heard a word that was spoken. Both the Director and Vic had kept their voices low. They saw Vic leaving the Agency, and both looked first at each other and then at the Director. They called after her, both sensing that it would be easier to get an answer from her then from Victor. At least this time. 

The Director stopped for her agents, which again was such an unusual move that Li Ann and Mac started to worry even more. Li Ann was the first one to ask the important question, "What was this letter about?" 

"I can't tell you that. But I'd say you knew that before you asked me, so why are you wasting my time with this? If you want to know what the letter was about, go ask Victor." 

"We all know that he wouldn't tell us," Mac exclaimed. He was getting mad."Did you see his face? He looked as if he had seen a ghost. We are his partners; we ought to help him." 

Li Ann agreed, even though she was surprised to hear those words from Mac. She knew that Mac liked Victor more than he admitted, but she had never seen him being this protective towards him. For that matter, she had never seen him this protective towards anyone. Not even herself. She suddenly found herself wondering what was going on between the two men. For the first time really she started feeling envious of the friendship they had developped. Maybe even a little jelous. The Director looked at Mac, surprised, and unlike Li Ann, she didn't hold back. 

"Why Mac, I didn't knew you cared so much. But anyway, I can't help you. I can only tell you that seeing a ghost is pretty much what he has to go through right now. So I advise you both to leave him alone for the moment. He needs to work this out alone, and neither of you can help him. Now go away and leave me alone; I have better things to do." 

With that she turned around on her heels and left the two agents alone with their thoughts. Before Li Ann knew what was going on, Mac had already turned and was now following Victor. She ran after him and stopped him before he was able to walk through the door. 

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" 

"If she won't tell us what's going on, I will talk to Vic." 

"And what do you think he will tell you? I know him. If he wanted to talk to us, he would do that. He wants to be left alone. He has these phases." 

"You don't know him, Li Ann. There is something going on with him, and it's worse then the usual. He is hurting." 

"Mac, I know you like him, but how come you two are so close all of a sudden? Last week, you were telling me that he was a loser, and now you stand here and talk as if he were closer to you than anyone else." 

Mac realized that he was about to give his secret away, and he didn't want to lay that burden on Vic's shoulders as well. So for now, he decided to back off and leave it alone. 

“You're right, I'm sorry, I just have a bad feeling about this. We should leave him alone though; I am sure he'll come around." 

He didn't sound convinced , but Li Ann accepted his apology and already had her mind back on the case. She did not notice Mac's longing stare when he saw Vic's truck pull out of the parking garage and quickly disappear from his sight. 

* * *

The letter had been a shock. He hadn't expected to ever hear from her again. It was 5 years since he had last seen her. Of course, she had visited him in his nightmares, but that was something else. He had always thought that she would be dead by now. She had been so headstrong, so free spirited that that was the only way it could end. But he had been wrong. Well, maybe not completely wrong. What the letter didn't say was how bad it must have been. Otherwise, she would have never taken this step. She loved her brother, and she knew how dangerous he could be when he was angry. And he sure would be angry now. The Director had told him that he wouldn't have to go. She would make sure that whatever he did decide, he would not get into trouble with the law. That wasn't really the problem though, and she knew it as well as he did. 

_Why the hell was she so fucking nice to me?_ he thought to himself. _It's not as if I'm the one in trouble here. Leo, Nep, they are in trouble. I'm just a bystander, caught in the middle to be exact._

That was when he reached his apartment building and parked his truck. He had to think about this. It was his choice now. Not like 5 years ago when fate had decided for him. He thought about it. Would he do the same things again, if he had a chance to change them? He would have stayed. He would not have left. He was sure of. He just didn't knew if he would have stayed for her, or for him. He didn't allow himself to indulge in this any further, and when he locked the apartment door behind himself, he hoped he could lock away memory with this as well. 

It had been a great day when he had first met him. He always wanted to be a cop, and finally he saw a chance of realizing his dream. A chance to become a cop. God, he loved the sound of that word. COP. 

"Hey you, can I help you?" 

He turned around and faced the man who had asked the question. He saw brilliant blue eyes and took in the tanned skin and the bright smile. _Damn, this man is gorgeous!_ he thought, and when he opened his mouth to answer, he was afraid for one second that those were the words that would leave his mouth. But thank God, he caught himself and managed to say something a little more appropriate. 

"Well, I am here to apply for the academy. So maybe you can." 

"How old are you? You look awfully young to be applying here." 

"I am 17 years old, and I'll turn 18 before summer." 

He got defensive. He knew he looked younger than he was. How could he not know? Every person he met felt the need to tell him so, but he wanted to be a cop. He would not allow his looks to get in the way his dream. Before he could talk himself into a full fledged panic attack,the older man placed his hand soothingly on Vic's shoulder. 

"It's okay, I guess you've heard that. Don't worry though; it won't be a problem. Sure, you look a little young, but that's nothing you can't work on. It's all just a question of self esteem." 

Gratefully Vic looked up at him, and when their eyes met, it was electric. Before either of them even realized what was happeng to them, they decided to go get a cup of coffee together. They sat down together and started talking. It had been years since Vic had had someone to talk to, and he enjoyed the chance to share his thoughts with someone. His new friend was with the police and had been for almost 15 years now. He loved his job. Other than that, he only loved his sister, who lived with him. Their parents died when she was three years old and he was 28. He took her in, and she had stayed with him for the last two years. His eyes brightened when he talked about her. He laughed when he explained to Vic about their names. His parents were originally from Russia, and they named their children in that manner. His name was Nepomuk and everyone called him Nep, while his sister's name is Eleonora. She insisted on being called Leo, which was something that caused a lot of misunderstandings about her gender. 

Vic's family wasn't like that, no funny stories he could tell, no love. At least not from his parents. His own sister was too young to understand what was going on, and the way things were, he would not see her growing up. The fights with his father were getting worse, and he knew he would be on his own should he really decide to become a cop. So when he heard Nep talking about the life he and his sister had, he envied them. While they were talking, time passed quickly and when it was getting dark outside, they both realized that it was time to go home. When they left, Nep took Vic's hand into his, and he didn't let go until they reached Vic's home. Vic couldn't help but think that he was really lucky his dad wasn't home yet. He would be in deep shit if his father caught him holding hands with another man. He had known that he was interested in men for quite some time now, and knowing what his father would say, he had kept it to himself. He looked into Nep's eyes again, and what he saw there made him shudder. Nep leaned forward ever so slowly and finally captured Vic's mouth with his. Before Vic could think about what was happening, Nep pushed him against the fence, and the kiss grew more passionate. All he could think of was the feeling of Nep's tongue stroking his leisurely. His first kiss. Nep put his arm around his waist, and he melted into the touch. Years spent in a house where physical contact was never given or shared had left him starving for this closeness. Nep sensed his need and held him even closer, finally breaking the kiss to rest his head on Vic's shoulder. Safe and wanted for the first time really, he started to cry. His arms went around Nep's waist as well, and there they stood. When Nep heard Vic sobbing, he started petting Vic's back reassuringly. 

"It's okay. Whatever it is, we'll work it out. Don't cry, doll. I'll take care of you....." 

And that's what he did. Thinking of that time, he still felt the warmth of the sun on his back and the soft thud of Nep's heartbeat against his chest. Nep was a good and caring person. The unconditional love he gave his sister and his job, he had now extended to Vic as well. He was the kind of person that could make everything alright. If you wanted something, you told him and he would find a way to get it for you. Vic wanted to be in the Academy—he pulled a few strings, and the thing was done. Vic's father pushed him through the wall once too often, and he took him in. He never felt or did anything halfway. If you belonged to him, you belonged to him entirely. He would do everything for you, as long as he thought it was the right thing for you. Both of them had their needs. Nep wanted a lover who looked up to him. Someone who was dedicated to him and never doubted anything he said or did. Victor needed someone to look up to. Someone who took care of him, made the decisions for him. They were perfect for each other. They were forming the family Vic had always wanted. 

Leo was different. She wanted her life. She wanted to make her mistakes and her experiences. She started to talk back. On her 12th birthday, she threatened to leave the house, fighting with her brother the same way Vic had fought with his father. Vic tried to help her, but there wasn't much you could do when Nep's mind was set on something. 

So he stood by and watched how Nep broke her. Realizing to his own horror that she turned into him. Always scared, always expecting to be punished. He saw the mind games Nep played with his sister, understanding for the first time how these mind games had turned him into the person Nep wanted him to be. It was too late though. Too late for him to turn back. What his father's hate had never done, Nep's love did. It had broken his will. But that was a small prize to pay for a lover like Nep. And for a sister like Leo. Whenever Nep was gone, she slept with him in their bed, neither able to be alone, and there they would talk. Hours would pass and secrets were shared in whispers that stayed in the bedroom even when Nep returned and Leo was back in her room. 

She was special and if he thought about it now, he missed her more than he could ever miss Nep. The pain of not having her in his life anymore was different. She was the only one who had liked him for who he was. That was reason enough to do what she asked him to. He knew, though that she hadn't asked him because she liked him. He had given up on her. He had not fought for her, even though she had looked up to him. He had allowed her life to become just as screwed as his was. On the other hand, he could repay her now. She needed his help, and even though he didn't know exactly what for, he could undo some of the wrongs he had done. 

Right at that moment he heard a knock on the door. //Who could that be?// He was walking towards the door when a thought hit him. //What if it is him? What if he found you? Only one way to find out. Open the door!// That's what he did finally, and when the door opened, Mac almost fell into the room. He looked nervous and started talking right away. 

"Li Ann told me to stay away. The Director told me to stay away, but wherever I tried to go, I just ended up in front of your door. So when I was standing there, I thought I should just leave, but I had knocked before I could turn around. Then I wanted to leave, but my feet wouldn't move. So, you can see it's not my fault.......Whatever! I just wanted to ask you what was going on with this letter, and if I could help you." 

During his little 'I-am-nervous-I hope-you -don't-notice-speech', Vic just stood there, looking at him, surprised. 

"You like me!" he finally uttered. He looked doubtingly at Mac. "You want to help?!" Somehow he couldn't believe this. Sex was one thing, but that didn't mean he cared. But there he was, nervous about Vic's reaction. He wouldn't be nervous if he didn't care. 

Mac looked at Vic in disbelief. How could Vic think he didn't like him? He thought that it was obvious that he loved the man. Otherwise he wouldn't have spent the night with him. Again he felt the sudden need to hold the older man, _Of course you do, you love him_ so he took one plaintive little step towards him. Vic didn't back away, so he took another step, and another, until they were standing chest to chest. Vic still looked at him. He had known this man for almost two years now, and never, never had he seen him this vulnerable. This thought finally made him rest his arm behind Vic's neck, pulling him closer until their foreheads touched. They rested like that for a while until Vic's arm crept around Mac's waist, and with an almost inaudible sigh, he leaned close and allowed Mac to hold him. Mac couldn't help but think that whoever did this to his Vic would have to pay. He just had to find out who had done what. Just that moment he felt the barrel of a gun in his back and heard the click of a safety clip. 

"Let go of him. NOW." 

* * *

Disclaimer: They are not mine,I hope you don't mind. The song used is from a band called Beautiful South and written by Paul Heaton   
Summery: A letter reminds Victor of old times he would rather forget   
Comments: This one almost wrote itself. I want to thank all the people who gave me feedback on the first part. Feedback on this one will help me to write faster on the next one. So, maybe you could write me???? Beg!!!! [email removed]   
I want to thank Orithain for beta reading and support; Part three will take a little longer, but there will be answers in it. Some. :-)   
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	3. Family Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac and Vic spend one night together, but fate doesnt want them happy yet.

  
**Family Life  
by Ratfink**

  
**An Attempt**  
_I have attempted—while working—to try thinking of my work and not of you  
And I am happy that the attempt did not succeed  
(Erich Fried)_

  
"Let go of him. NOW!"

Mac froze when he heard the female voice behind him. Vic, on the other hand, didn't freeze. He stepped out of the embrace and looked straight into the eyes of the intruder. Mac, who suddenly realized that Vic was standing in the line of fire now, whirled around and took his place in front of Vic, seeing the girl's face for the first time. Her eyes were trained on Vic, so Mac took the chance to grab the gun. That drew her attention back to her original target, but instead of trying to get her gun back, she looked at him in surprise kindly.

"Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

With those words she returned her attention to Vic, who stepped forward and, still unable to say anything, hugged her and held her close. That was the moment Mac totally lost track of what the hell was going on. The girl stepped out of the embrace but only to kiss Vic on the cheek and examine him closely.

"You look great, Vic, much better than the last time I saw you. What have you been doing since then? God, I missed you."

With those words she hugged him once again. Vic still hadn't regained the power of speech, so he simply looked at her in his arms, smiling uncontrollably. Mac finally decided that it was about time to remind them that he was still there, so he was the one to speak up.

"Vic, sorry to disturb this little scene," he wasn't able to keep the venom out of his voice, since he was experiencing the extreme urge to kick the girl out of Vic's apartment. No one hugged his Vic but him! "but I would really like to know what the hell is going on here!"

Before Vic was able to answer this question, the girl swung around to Mac and laughed into his face. It was a kind laugh though, almost like the look she had given him before. She silenced Vic with a wink and walked towards Mac, extending her hand.

"Hi, I'm Leo, and you really don't need to worry at all. I won't steal your man. I'm just a good friend of his." She looked back at Vic, who was grinning at her, enjoying the show. Mac started to grin as well when he realized that he and Leo were of the same opinion. It was clear to them both that Vic was his, so he took her hand, introducing himself now.

"Nice to meet you, Leo. I am Mac and I work with Vic. I was just worried for a sec there. Still, what exactly are you doing here, if you don't mind my asking?"

She didn't mind at all. She had come here because she had been scared as hell that the letter her lawyer had written would hit Vic harder then she had thought first. It seemed like a good idea at the time to contact him. He was, after all, her only ally in this fight against her own brother. She was so glad, finding out that he had someone to take care of him. No one should have to go through this alone. She also took an immediate liking to Mac. He was the total opposite of Nep, and that was always a good sign.

"It's okay, I think you should know...." that was the moment Vic interrupted her.

"Leo, don't. That's our business; I don't want others involved!" He didn't saw Mac flinch when he said those words, but Leo did, so she took Vic aside, making sure that Mac would not hear everything that was said.

"Vic, are you out of your mind?" she hissed at him, "Are you trying to destroy your relationship?"

"What relationship? We're just friends. I don't want him to know about this. I don't even know what I'll do yet."

"I don't care what you will do. I missed you. I was so sure that you would try to go through it alone, and I was so relieved when I got here to find out that you have someone to lean on. I know how you feel; I feel the same way, but you have a friend, trust him. He loves you."

"What the hell are you talking about? You just met him two minutes ago;you have no clue about us."

"That's right, I have no clue about your life anymore; I don't know him, but I know jealousy when I see it, and he was jealous as hell when I hugged you. Vic, I know this is hard for you; I didn't want to confront you with this, but I won't be there to help you through when it goes wrong. I can't, but he can. Let him!"

That was it. She had the last word, as usual. He had missed that. When she was sure about something, she would fight for it, and now she wanted to tell Mac why she was here, and as much as he feared Mac's reaction, she would tell him. Maybe it was for the best. He would need all the help he could get once Nep found out about this.

Mac was watching them talk, and it was clear to him that they were talking about him. He wanted to know what was going on, and he appreciated the fact that Leo supported him. She wanted to tell him. The way Vic looked at her it was soon obvious that she would do as she wanted. It was the loving look of a parent realizing that there was nothing to say anymore when the child decided to play in a band. Mac caught Vic's look for a second, and Vic smiled at him.

That gave Mac the reassurance he needed. Soon Leo had said what she had wanted to say and turned to him.

"It's no big deal really. Vic and my brother Nep were lovers for quite some time, and I am now suing my brother because he beat up on me once too often. I now need Vic as a witness. He needs to tell them that Nep was aggressive. That's all. Nep didn't know where Vic was until now, and I guess that was for the best. So it's up to Vic if he will take the chance. If he will, Nep will find him, and in that case Vic will need a friend besides me who knows what is going on. That's why I wanted to tell you. The way I see you, I am quite sure that you will help him."

While listening to her, Mac practically fell on the couch behind him. _Lover? Quite some time? What the hell is going on here?_ Now he knew why Vic didn't want him to know about this. That was a side of Vic neither he nor Li Ann had ever known about. But that wasn't the problem. _If this guy was so aggressive, what did he do to Vic?_ He couldn't even think about this without freaking. _Why would Vic allow this? He is a strong man; he would never allow his lover to beat up on his sister, unless.....No, don't go there, I am sure he just didn't knew about it._ Then he looked up at Vic. He caught how insecure Vic looked. He was scared about the way Mac would react. Suddenly Mac could imagine a younger Vic. He knew that Vic had left his parents' house at the age of 17. _Where had he gone? What had he gone through?_ He felt the silence and realized that both of them were waiting for a reply. Vic had tensed up and was still standing where Leo had left him to talk to Mac. Leo was now seated across from him, trying to read his mind. He gave her a soft smile, a sign for her not to worry. He would not hurt Vic. He stood up and walked across the room and stopped right in front Vic. He used his index finger to tilt up Vic's chin, searching the older man's eyes.

"Vic, if you need my help, you'll know where to find me. I'll give you two some time to talk, and I'll come to see you tonight. Only if you want me to, of course."

Vic couldn't answer. He knew that any more words now would lead to the tears he tried to hold back. He had thought of himself as strong until now. He wasn't the kid anymore that he had been when he had met Nep. He had fought for this strength only to find out now that it had been unreal. He wasn't ready to face Nep, and the same moment he felt his feelings for Mac grow. How could Mac know

that this display of affection was exactly what he had needed. He was scared that he would start to depend on Mac, as he had depended on Nep. He couldn't stop himself from falling though. For the second time that day, he let go of his fears, and simply stepped closer to Mac, feeling his strong arms closing around him. He was not ready for a realtion ship with another man, but he needed this feeling of closeness. The embrace was short, a reassurance for both of the men that they were still there for each other, and after giving Leo a short smile, Mac left the apartment. Before he closed the door completely, he heard Leo say, "He is gorgeous, where did you find him?"

So there was the ally he needed in persuading Vic that they were perfect for each other.

* * *

When Mac came home, Li Ann was already waiting in his living room.

"I think I should get a better lock."

Li Ann only snorted at his remark. They both knew that there was nothing on the market that could stop her. She had wondered about his behavior earlier and had wanted to talk to him about it. Finding out that he was not at home had assured her of what she had already suspected. He had visited Vic. Now she was here for two reasons. One, she wanted to yell at him for not leaving Vic alone when he needed it, and second, to find out what Vic had said. She was also worried. She

had broken her engagment to Vic, but she still liked him. He was her only friend beside Mac, and both of the men's behavior made her feel left out. She wanted to know what the hell was going on. She knew that she could get Mac to tell her everything he knew. He was different than Vic. Even when she had been engaged to Vic, he had kept his secrets. Mac would not keep something from her. She knew him too well.

He didn't want to talk to her. He just wanted to think about what he had just heard. He knew Li Ann, and she would try to get everything out of him. He knew, though, that he would not tell her what he and Vic and Leo had talked about. That was something between him and Vic. First he would have to figure out what was going on, and then he would tell Li Ann.

"What do you want?" Even to his own ears he sounded a bit too defensive.

"I just came to find out what was going on with Vic. You were with him, weren't you?" It was more a statement than a question.

"I don't know, Li Ann. He has an old friend visiting him; that's all I found out. He'll be okay; I'll make sure of it."

"What is going on between you and Vic? I can remember how you told me a few months ago that Vic was able to take care of himself. That he was strong enough. What has changed your opinion?"

"Maybe we were wrong, Li Ann. Maybe we don't even know who Vic is and what demons he's fighting. He's right now far more fragile than ever before." He stopped for a while, wondering if he should really give her the answer she wanted most. She didn't really care about Vic; she wanted to know what was going on between them. He couldn't tell her, not yet.

"Mac, I want to know what he told you. I want to help. You are not the only one who cares about Vic."

"I'm sorry, Li Ann, I can't tell you anything you don't already know. Vic has an old friend visiting. I'm going over to his apartment tonight; why don't you join me? I think he would like to know that we will be there for him."

He really was sorry that he had thought so badly of Li Ann. He knew she cared. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea to take her with him tonight, but Vic should know that they both would be there for him. He also had to admit to himself that he was a bit scared about seeing Vic again tonight. There were so many things left unsaid, and his inner voice told him that it was maybe better this way. Domestic abuse was one thing when you heard about it. He had seen a lot of things growing up, but it was another thing thinking about this happening to someone he knew. To a friend, and yes, someone he loved. Maybe he was wrong. Leo hadn't talked about Vic; she had talked about herself. Sure, Vic could be a victim as well, but as long as he was not absolutely sure, he would not jump to conclusions. If it ever turned out to be true, he would find this Nep though, and he would kill him. That he was sure of. Now, he would first and foremost give Vic the security of a friendship. Everything else would have to wait.

* * *

It was around 8 o'clock when Mac and Li Ann reached Vic's apartment. They had spent the afternoon together, both avoiding talking about Vic. Mac, because he didn't wanted to say too much and Li Ann, because she didn't want to irritate Mac even more. She hoped to find out more soon. As soon as Mac knocked, a young girl opened the door. Li Ann took in the smiling face, the long brown hair and the almost boyish, small figure. She looked a bit surprised to see Li Ann, but when her eyes fell on Mac, she greeted him with a short friendly hug.

"Hi Mac, great, you're here. Vic was already worried.."

"Was not!" came a shout from the kitchen.

"Were too! Okay, he is in a bad mood because he tried to cook, and it's just not working."

"Oh, yeah, I know what you mean. I had to go through this once already."

"Hey!" came from the kitchen. All three of them had to smile at this. Li Ann stepped forward, still a little bit startled by their easy camaraderie, but willing to welcome this person. She was obviously a good friend of Vic's, and his good friends were her good friends as well.

"Hi, I don't think we've met yet. I am Li Ann, Vic's ex-fiancée."

The moment she said it, she knew it had been a mistake. It's not a way of introducing yourself to his friend. But it was out, and no way to get the words back.

"Hi ex-fiancée. I am Leo. Short for Eleonora, and don't worry, I won't hold it against you. I am just going to have a little bit of fun with your ex." With those words she gave Li Ann a devilish grin and turned to face Mac. With a conspiratorial wink she took both of his hands into hers, and turning around, still not letting go of his hands that were now over her head, his arms crossed, she lead him towards the kitchen. Li Ann followed them slowly, still not sure about what was going on but terribly curious to find out. Mac couldn't hold back a broad grin when they entered thus linked, and he took in the chaotic kitchen. Vic in the middle looked to the world like an artist walking towards insanity. He still wondered about Leo's plan, but before she unfolded it, she went over to Vic, kissing him on the cheek. Mac, who had his arms now in front of her, his

hands still in hers, had rested his head on Leo's shoulder, and used the chance to kiss Vic on the other cheek, that was now in front of his face. Vic smiled at the soft touch, visibly luxuriating in the feeling of being loved and warm, and before either one of them knew what happened, he gave Mac in return a quick kiss hello on the lips.

It felt so natural to do just this. To greet him like this. No one noticed Li Ann standing in the room. They just kept on talking, feeling, despite the terror that had brought this on, happy. Mac caught Leo's eyes, realizing that she still had something to say.

Suddenly, without any warning, she grabbed Vic, looking at him like madman and finally saying, "You were engaged? To a woman? You had promised me that you would marry me. How could you betray me like this? Tell me!" That was all she could manage to say without starting to laugh. Vic looked at her first surprised, and then relieved.

"You almost got me. For a minute I thought you meant it." Looking up, he saw Li Ann for the first time.

"Hi, Li Ann, don't be shocked, it's an old bet between us. We always try to scare each other. Okay, now that you all had fun on my expense, why don't you let me finish here?"

"Want me to order some takeout?" Mac asked innocently. Vic just snorted at that and shooed them out of the room. If anyone noticed that Mac took hold of Vic's hand for a second, pressing it reassuringly, no one commented on it.

Li Ann was really puzzled now. She had seen the kiss between Mac and Vic, and she noticed their body language more than anything else. They seemed like a couple. Something was going on here that she would have to find out about. It couldn't be that they were lovers. She was sure about that. They wouldn't have kept it from her. There would have been no reason to do so. That was when there was a knock on the door.

Mac went to open the door, since he was closest, and saw a good looking man looking extremely nervous.

"Yes, can I help you?"

"I hope so, I am looking for Vic Mansfield, does he live here?"

Before Mac had a chance to answer, he heard Vic coming up behind him.

"Nep?" 

* * *

Disclaimer: They are still not mine, but one day they will be......I hope  
Spoiler: One little spoiler for the episode where Vic's cop buddies show up; I forgot the name  
Summary: Vic gets a visit from an old friend and Mac learns a little bit about Vic's past.  
Sequel: This one is part three of an ongoing series; part one is called "It is what it is" followed by "We are each other". Find them and some more stuff I've written plus some german translations on my homepage:  
<http://www.fortunecity.de/tatooine/godzilla/52/ratfink.htm>  
I really would like to thank Orithain for putting up with my stories and betaing them so fantastic and giving me encouragement and advice when needed, also big shouts to Krychik and Marguerite who give my self esteem the right boost with reading and commenting on my stories.  
Feedback: Guess what; I still want it. Nothing like the feeling that there are actually people reading what I write [email removed]   
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	4. Good ol' Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac and Vic spend one night together, but fate doesnt want them happy yet.

  
**Good ol' times  
by Ratfink**

  
**Sometimes**  
_Sometimes our best efforts do not go  
amiss; sometimes we do as we meant to.  
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow  
that seemed hard frozen: may it happen for you.  
(Sheenagh Pugh)_

  
"Nep?"

The moment Mac heard the name he knew that this was going to be trouble. The man who stood at the door looked totally normal and decent, and when he saw Vic, his eyes started to glow with admiration. Vic also reacted with a joy Mac would have never expected, knowing part of their past. Mac couldn't help feeling a jealous sting when he saw Victor smile at the intruder, and he wished for a second that he could just close the door and forget that there was someone waiting outside. Nobody had made a move so far, and the good-looking stranger seemed to be waiting for something to happen. The moment Leo saw him, something happened, finally. She moved beside Mac, who was still closest to Nep, and spoke up in a voice that held a malice that shook him to the core. He had never thought that this nice girl, who seemed so relaxed and happy only a second ago, could turn into this cold person that he found now beside him.

"How come I knew you would turn up here?"

"Leo? What are you doing here? I didn't know you knew where he was!"

"Shut up, don't give me that shit. You followed me down here; how else could you know where he was? I should have known that you would try to pull a stunt like this. There is something you forgot though. You are not allowed to get this close to me. You heard the judge, so you better leave now, or I will call the police. I don't think you would like to risk that, now would you!"

"Calm down, baby. I just didn't know you were here, and now that I know, I will leave. I just wanted to talk to Vic, so I guess we'll go somewhere else to talk."

With those words, he looked back at Vic, who was obviously trying to figure out what to do. The moment Mac meant to step forward to get rid of the unwelcome guest, Vic held him back with a light touch on his arm. Mac turned to him, seeing that Vic was willing to follow Nep, but he couldn't believe it. That was not the man he knew. There was more going on between the three of them than he had thought so far. He just knew one thing for sure, and that was that he didn't want Vic to go with this guy. No, not at all.

"Vic," that was Leo, addressing Vic now, who had taken a tentative step towards his ex-lover, "you don't have to, you know that. Can you just stay here? We'll think of something, you don't have to go to court with me, just don't go with him. You know what he'll do..."

She trailed off there, leaving Mac even more worried than he was before. But Vic did not react at all. He still looked at Nep, mesmerized by his eyes. He had loved this man. For ten years. He knew him, knew his smell, his touch, remembered the way they used to be close, the way they used to make love. He would give him this chance to talk. It was something he had to do, and he couldn't stop himself from thinking that this was the only man who had ever loved him. He was also the only man who would ever be able to love him. He had made sure of this by leaving Vic damaged, broken. He just wanted to talk. He wouldn't do the same things again; they were not together anymore. He couldn't listen to anything Leo told him. If he did, he would have to admit to himself that he had wasted these ten years. Wasted not only his life, but also the life of his friend. The one friend who had trusted him to do the right thing. Maybe he could make things all right. Maybe he could tell Nep to stay away, and he would do it. He knew that Nep loved him, and maybe he would be able to manipulate him. Just this once, into doing what was right. Before anyone was able to react, he took Nep's outstretched hand and stepped with him out the door into the hall. Leo, seeing this, took a few steps backwards, almost bumping into Li Ann, who observed this scene with surprise. Mac tried to stop Vic from leaving, but he was too late. The door had already closed, and Mac had the terrible feeling that there was something really going wrong. He was still thinking about following Vic and bringing him back when Leo spoke up again.

"Let him go. It's his choice after all. It's been his choice for so long, and there is nothing you can do to stop him. Believe me, I tried. It's just so much harder for him than it was for me. I grew up hating my brother and loving Vic like my brother. But Vic had only Nep. He loved him, he came to live with us, so it's harder for him to turn his back on it. Maybe he needs whatever outcome this will have, to make him understand..."

Li Ann, who had remained silent until now, looked at Mac, who surrendered to the question she didn't need to ask. She had come here, sensing that something was wrong, but this was too much. She needed Mac to tell her what was going on, and then they would have to get the old Vic back. And fast.

Mac turned to her, indicating to her to sit down, since this would take a while. While Leo and Mac took turns telling Li Ann what the story was, Mac learned a few more facts he did not really want to know.

* * *

The three of them had spent half the night sitting in Vic's apartment, trying to figure out a way to help him. Leo hadn't revealed a lot about Vic's problems with Nep, but the things that had happened to her were more than enough. The way she talked about this seemed strange, since she kept a distance from her own past that surprised Li Ann as well as Mac. But maybe that was just her way of surviving this. Her parents had died early, and her brother had brought her up. He wasn't really aggressive, and most of the time he was great to be around. Then there would be moments where he turned into someone she didn't know anymore. These times scared her even as a little child, a time in which he wouldn't touch her. He knew that bruises on her would be noticed. He was a cop, someone people paid attention to, and he would not endanger his position. The beatings started shortly after Vic moved in with them, and Nep needed a way to punish her. She had started to be a bit more headstrong, but he always had ways to keep people small. With a mixture of strategically placed punches and continuous harassment he had kept her small. The longer Leo talked about her past, the more worried Mac was about letting Vic go with him. He had the distinct feeling that Vic would give in to Nep, and looking at Leo, he knew that she feared the same thing. Li Ann was taking it more calmly than he would have thought, and while they talked about what actions they could take, she proved to be as supportive as Mac was. That made Mac feel bad, because he had treated Li Ann as if he was the only one who cared for Vic, and she did not deserve that kind of treatment. She also avoided asking about Mac and Vic's relationship, for which he was extremely grateful.

Leo didn't really care if Vic would go to court supporting her, she already felt bad enough that she had been the one who showed Nep where Vic was. She just wanted Vic back and safe and with Mac. She could see how deeply the man cared for Vic, and that warmed her heart. She just hoped that he would still feel the same way, if he ever found out the entire truth about them. There were so many things that were better left unsaid, but somehow she feared that they would not be able to keep their secrets much longer.

They had decided to go home when they realized that they were just waiting for Vic to return, and they didn't know how to explain their presence in his apartment to him once he came home, without putting too much pressure on him. Before Li Ann and Mac left, Mac made Leo promise him that she would call him as soon as Vic showed up again. They would start searching for him the next morning, if he wasn't home by then.

When Mac returned home, he was tired, but sleep wouldn't come. He knew he wouldn't be able to rest until he was sure that Vic was back home and safe, so he decided to work a little bit. He contacted a few sources, trying to find something about Vic's and Nep's past. After a few phone calls he didn't know much more then before, but he felt more and more desperate. He started pacing around the room and trying desperately not to call Leo before dawn. She would have called him if she knew anything. That was when he suddenly heard something. He was already alert, so within seconds he was at the door where the noise came from and opened it, looking into the eyes of the one man he wanted to see.

Before he was able to say anything, Vic closed the door and pushed him to the wall, where he captured Mac's mouth, all the while moving closer. Mac couldn't do anything but groaning at the contact. He felt Vic's erection against his thigh, and that was the moment he lost whatever control he possessed. He had been so worried, and now Vic was back with him, where he belonged, and there was nothing that would keep him from fucking the man silly tonight. The moment Mac started responding, Vic lost his hard grip on the younger man's neck and gave himself up to the sensations to come. He came here for that. He wanted to feel Mac so deep inside him that he could forget everything else. He needed him now. No delay, no preparation. He needed the pain even more than the gentleness. It would help to erase 'him'. Mac didn't know anymore what he was doing; he didn't know how they both shed their clothes, or how they made it to the bedroom, but he could feel Vic's hands urging him to go faster. He held the older man down, straddling his hips, as he leant in for another breath taking kiss. Above their labored breathing, he almost missed Vic saying, "Mac, I need you to fuck me. Do it now!"

There was a desperation in his voice that stopped Mac for a second, but one look in Vic's eyes was all he needed to be totally lost again. He couldn't let go of this man now, and he would do everything he needed him to. He reached for the dresser beside his bed and pulled open the drawer. He had kept the lube there, hoping for this, feeling slightly stupid and childish when buying it for a man who did not want a relationship with him. Now he was entirely grateful that he had done so. Vic was obviously not willing to wait for long, and before Mac could even open the tube, he took it out of Macs hands, throwing it aside. He indicated that he wanted Mac now, no lube. He seemed beyond reason, not able to form a single word, so Mac just spat on his hand, using his index finger to prepare Vic. There was no way that he would take the man without any preparation, so he settled for this compromise. While he was moving his finger slowly, sliding it in the narrow crevice, he felt Vic shudder under the touch. Vic was pushing himself on his finger, begging for more, until Mac added a second finger, now stretching the man. Vic suddenly grabbed Mac's hand and hurled it away from his tight asshole, and before Mac was able to comprehend what was happening, Vic impaled himself on Mac's cock, which was as hard as it would ever get and screaming for release. Mac used his now free hands to go through Vic's sparse chest hair, twisting his nipples while doing so, when he suddenly saw the red trail of blood that his fingers created. Vic saw it the same moment and tried to hold Mac closer, but the younger man slipped out of Vic and was out the bed, looking at Vic in disbelief.

"What the hell....?"

He couldn't believe that this was happening. He looked again at his fingers that were coated with blood, and he couldn't stop feeling as if he was in a bad horror movie. Vic followed him, talking in a low monotone voice.

"I know this is bad, but if you could just....I don't know,.....pretend it's not like this. I need you. I want you to take me. Fast and hard. Pretend it's not me you're fucking. I wont mind. I just want you to make me forget him. Make me forget what I am!"

While he talked, he started crying, and he knew what a pathetic sight he was, but he needed this now. More than he needed pride. Mac hadn't looked at him, but he felt sure that he could get the other man to do him. He knew what a turn on it was to fuck someone who was bleeding and begging for more. That was something he learned from Nep. One of his lessons so to speak. Mac wouldn't be any different. He remembered Nep's glassy look when he started whimpering, still asking for more, begging to be filled. When he was the center of Nep's attention, he felt complete. He felt as if he was someone Nep cared about, for he knew in this moment he would give his life for him. He didn't want to be like that anymore. He was sick of being his whore. He wanted Mac. Mac, who was the only one helping him to forget where he came from. It had to be like this. He knew it. The moment he had left the apartment with Nep, he had known what it would lead to, and he had accepted it. It was his punishment for the time they had spent apart, and now it was over. He could just turn away from it all and start a new life. Alone. Without Nep. He just wanted to take this with him. The memory of Mac rather than the memory of Nep. He couldn't take this waiting. He needed Mac to give him an answer.

"Mac, get over it and do it. You want me, I'm here. What's the problem? Is it that he had me first? I don't care, it doesn't mean a thing. I never asked you for something before, but I need you to drive into me as fast as you can."

That was when he finally realized that Mac was crying. That enraged him. How dare he be crying? He went through it. Mac didn't. All he wanted was Mac's cock filling him; it wasn't as if he was asking for his love or respect. The only thing he could do was act on his impulses. The rage filling him was so much stronger than anything else he ever experienced. He was not Victor Mansfield, nice guy extraordinaire, anymore. He was the man Nep always wanted him to be, and as this man, he would fight to survive. He grabbed Mac and hauled him off the bed and halfway across the room. Mac, who was shocked at the sudden outburst, tried to stand up. Before he could do so, Vic sat on his chest, holding him down, strangling him. He saw Mac's face turning red, and it was maybe the most satisfying sight he ever enjoyed. He could do it. He could just hold on like this to Mac's throat, and the pain would stop. Everything would stop. No more memories. No more hurt. He knew it; this was the solution. He saw Mac's desperation, and it felt as if all of his desperation vanished the same moment. Now he knew why Nep did what he did. He felt so powerful. Mac uttered no sound, but his hand reached up to Vic's face. Too weak to really fight back, he simply cupped the older man's cheek. That was when Vic finally realized what he was doing. He let go of Mac instantly, looking at his hands, feeling the whole world start to spin. Before he could form a single thought, he fell over on Mac's chest, seeking the darkness of unconsciousness.

Mac still couldn't believe that this had just happened. For a moment there, it had felt as if this was the end. Vic, the man he loved, the most loyal and honest and kind person he ever met, nearly killed him. He coughed a few more times, just making sure he was still alive and everything was still working as it should. He felt terribly drowsy, and Vic's weight on top of his chest was not helping him breathe. He managed to roll Vic from his chest and struggled to stand up. The moment he stood, he felt better. The blood left his head, and he could start thinking again. He walked slowly over to his bed and sat down. If he closed his eyes, he could still feel Vic's hands travelling all over his body. Everything was in slow motion, and he saw the blood, saw Vic's eyes that were filled with passion, or maybe it was pain. What had happened? What was going on here? The man he knew was not there anymore. He was buried somewhere beneath this fear and murderous rage. There was a soft moan coming from Vic that drew Mac's attention back to the problem at hand. What to do with Vic. He went over to his partner and looked down at him. He looked feverish, and the sweat was dripping from his face. He bent over him and picked him up gently. Even though Vic was a bit heavier than himself, he managed to carry him to the bed and put him down there. There was something he needed to check while Vic was unconscious, and he was not looking forward to this. He turned Vic so he could have a look at his still red and slightly bleeding anus. He remembered the first aid kit he had acquired shortly after starting to work for the Agency and went to get it from the living room. He had his own experiences with this, and he was not proud of it, but now he was grateful. He used the disinfectant, while making sure that there weren't any dangerous wounds. As far as he could see, it should heal okay, but that was just physical. He still didn't know what exactly had happened, but from the way Vic had acted today, he could figure out part, and it would take a while to heal. There was another moan from Vic, and he nuzzled into the pillow. He looked calm for now, but Mac knew that there would be nightmares. He couldn't do much right now but put a cover over Vic, who started shaking a bit. Then he pulled up a chair beside the bed, getting ready to monitor Vic's unconsciousness. If the older man didn't wake up soon, he was going to have to call someone. He hoped though that he could deal with Vic first.

The first thing he felt when coming awake was the heaviness of the blanket that was covering him and someone holding his hand. Slowly he opened his eyes, only to look straight into the eyes of Mac, who regarded him with concern. He saw the marks on Mac's neck, and suddenly the memories hit him. He had tried to kill the man he thought he loved. He turned his head away, ashamed. If he could just curl under this cover and die, it would be a salvation. He didn't want this. He didn't want to look into Mac's eyes, explaining to him why he had tried to strangle him. It was too much. Too much pain, and he lost sight of why he was doing the things he was doing.

A week ago everything had seemed to be so simple. No relationship with a man. Never again. Intellectually, he knew that not all man were the same, but his heart told him differently. The fear was too strong; there was too much risk. So he had promised himself that he would not allow Mac to take his heart. Well, that backfired. The first time they had kissed, the first time he had felt his touch, he had been lost. He had had the strength to send him away, but he wasn't able to keep him away. When Leo had come back into his life, he had felt better. He wasn't ready to face Nep, but Leo was his friend, and he wanted her with him. Mac was his friend, too. He had promised Vic to help him, and that made him love him even more. He enjoyed the closeness of him, enjoyed having someone care about him. If only Nep hadn't returned. There were so many things he wanted to forget about his past. He had been a slut. The dirtiest guy on the block. How could he expect Mac, or Li Ann to be there for him? He had made a choice. He had accepted whatever Nep gave him, and he had wanted more. Never in his life had he felt as dirty and low as in this moment. He had thrown himself at Mac, had begged for him to invade his body, and then he had tried to kill him. He felt a tear dropping on his hand, and realized surprised that it was not his tear. That made him turn around his head, and he looked at Mac. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. There were silent tears rolling down this beloved face, and there was nothing he could think of to say. Mac started muttering to him. At first he couldn't make out the words, but he understood when Mac said he was sorry. He wanted to tell him to stop, he wanted to apologize, but he couldn't find the voice to do so. Instead he squeezed the hand that was still holding on to his. Mac looked up and their eyes met.

"I'm sorry Vic. Everything, everything you want. I'll give it to you. But I can't hurt you. I'll help you forget, I'll kill him for you, I don't care, but I will not hurt you."

Without having to think about it, Vic opened his arms, pulling Mac down onto the bed with him. While Mac was sobbing quietly, Vic took a closer look at the red marks that had formed on Mac's throat. Slowly he kissed a trail along them, as if trying to undo what caused them.

"You are sorry? I was the one hurting you, and I can't tell you how sorry I am about this. I was not thinking straight. I just wanted to....I don't even know what I wanted. I know you'll do anything for me. And even if you don't, I won't mind. You've been a better friend to me in the last days, than anyone else."

Mac saw what Vic was trying to do. He wanted to demonstrate that he was okay, and if Mac let him, he would leave and pretend as if nothing ever happened. Not with him though. He had allowed Vic to go with Nep, even though he had a hunch that the other man wanted to hurt Vic. He would not do something like that again. Having Vic's arms around him helped him more than anything else to think clearly again. He must stop crying, and he must act quickly. That was what he knew. Without any further talking, he kissed Vic on the shoulder and stood up. Vic looked at him surprised, and Mac brushed his index finger over Vic's cheek to reassure the man that he was not about to leave him. He walked into the living room and dialed a number that was even more familar to him than his own. Leo picked up at the first ring, and he asked her to come over. She didn't ask any questions. That was one of the things he was learning to appreciate in her. She acted. She didn't waste time talking. Then he returned to the bed, where Vic was about to stand up. From the look on the older man's face, he saw that he was still in pain, not that he would ever admit that. He walked over to the bed, indicating to Vic to lie back down. Vic struggled a moment, but Mac wouldn't have any of that.

"Calm down, buddy. Why don't you relax, until Leo gets here? We could talk if you want to, or you can just sleep a little bit more. Before you think you can avoid the talking part, I want to make one thing totally clear for you. I will not allow you to leave this apartment until you talk about what the hell this asshole did to you. I don't even know yet if I should let you go after that. I will make sure that he doesn't get close to you ever again."

It was a statement. He would not accept any arguments from Vic. Vic knew that, and in a way, it made him feel good. He knew how fucked up he was, but he couldn't see anything wrong with staying here with Mac. _Mac, the man you tried to kill_ , his mind screamed at him. Maybe it would be better to leave. He had never seen himself as a danger to his friends, but it seemed as if he had been wrong. He couldn't look at Mac anymore. His eyes were filled with so much tenderness. He didn't deserve this. Not at all. He was the one that couldn't even go to court against his abusive ex-lover. Mac was sitting on the bed now, his legs crossed and was looking at Vic patiently. He was waiting for the other man to make his decision. He was glad that Vic didn't try to bolt, though he feared that stage was just still to come.

"He promised me it would be different this time. It had been so long. When I first met him, he used to make love to me. So gentle, so compassionate that I thought I would die with him in my arms. He would hold me. Just like you held me when we spent the first night together, and I used to feel so loved and safe. I didn't feel that with anyone else, 'til you. Will you hold me like that again?"

Mac lay down in an instant beside him, allowing him to snuggle close, wrapping his arm securely around him. "I love that. It's so great when you start out, and you think that it will be like this forever. That's what I thought. I lay in his arms, thinking of the future, and there was nothing that could bring me down from my cloud. Nothing, but him. I learned from it. I learned to enjoy it more whenever he showed me the affection I had once taken for granted. A hug, a kiss, or just an arm around me when we walked. They got less and less frequent. I had to earn them, and I did. By doing what he wanted me to do, I made him love me. Will it work with you, too? I think it will. I'd rather have you as a friend, if you are a friend like you were during the last days. If you can hug me, like a friend. Like someone you care for. If you want to fuck me though, I can do that too. That's what I am, a slut. I will do whatever you want me to. He promised me he would hold me, like he did when we started out. It felt so good, to have him back. It's not that I love him. I stopped doing that a long time ago, but I feel as if he is the only one who can give back what he took away from me. He likes to get rough with me. It's what I am best at. That's why we were so perfect for each other. The moment he took me, I didn't even feel the pain. But then he left. He didn't even turn around. He called me his cunt, his bitch and left. There I was. I can fight. You know that. I could have just left, but I didn't, and I felt so humiliated. I thought I was over him, but he snaps his fingers at me, and I follow. Maybe it's what I deserve. I couldn't stop thinking that I had brought it on myself. I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't want you to know about this. I wasn't even sure what my intention was, until I knocked at your door. I wanted to make you love me. I wanted you to be the one on my mind. Well, that was one hell of a way to go, don't you think?"

"Vic,......uhm....I don't know what I can say. You know that it's not your fault. You were so young when you met him. He is the guilty one. I would not do that to you. I am happy if I can be like this with you. It makes me happy to touch you, and mostly, I am happy, when you are somewhere around me. I feel...."

"Mac, don't do this. You don't have to feel sorry for me. I will deal with it alone; you don't have to pretend to feel anything for me...."

"Vic, I'm not pretending anything. I knew from the moment I met you that I wanted you. When I learned more about you the feeling grew so much stronger, and the first moment you kissed me, I was so lost. I love you, Victor Mansfield!"

Vic turned his head away. Why did he do this? He told him he didn't have to pretend.

"Don't," his voice sounded harsh. Cold. More than the words, it was the tone that shocked Mac. Mac looked up, right into the eyes of Leo, who stood in the doorway. He wondered how long she had been standing there.

* * *

Disclaimer: Vic, Mac and Li Ann belong to Allience and John Woo (and to a german producer that is so small, it isn't even mentioned) and I am not planning to steel them, or to make any money out of this. Leo and Nep are mine (no one but me would think of names like this....).  
Summary: Nep appears and is causing a bit of trouble....  
Series/Sequel: This is the 4th part of my OAT series (which still has no name, but I am working on it) and the previous parts are; It is what it is, We are each other and Family Life.  
I would like to thank Orithain for beta and feel the need to mention that it could take 3 years for her to finish betaing, and I would still kiss her feet for doing this! :)  
Feedback is always craved. This is for me an absolute first since I never wrote anything but happy stories, so please let me know, what you think about it. [email removed]  
This and some X-Files fiction can be found on my page at <http://www.fortunecity.de/tatooine/godzilla/52/ratfink.htm>  
May 1999   
---


	5. Separation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac and Vic spend one night together, but fate doesnt want them happy yet.

  
**Separation  
by Ratfink**

  
He was going crazy. No doubt about it. Everywhere he went he saw him. He couldn't concentrate, he didn't eat or sleep anymore, he was rude to everyone around him -well, that was nothing new- and a general pain in the ass. Even Li Ann had given up all hope of cheering him up, and the Director simply ignored his mental state-nothing new there either. He knew he was overreacting; knew that it wasn't as bad. He knew that Vic would come back. It just drove him crazy that he didn't know when and that there was no way of contacting him. He missed him dearly. Gotten so used to having him around every day that he couldn't imagine doing something without having him by his side. He couldn't work well when Vic wasn't there as his back up and he gave up on having something remotely like fun when the older man wasn't there to share it with him. He remembered all those times when he insulted Vic; remembered the fun they had doing the most unfunny things in the world, like being on a stakeout. How could he have been so blind not to see what was right in front of him for so long. How could he have hoped Li Ann would chose him above Victor when the only important choice was his to make. He had made it now. He had pledged himself to his partner, even though Vic knew nothing about that yet. He knew what he wanted though, and his future most definitely included the one person he could not imagine living without.

Eight tracks and music taste aside.

And it most definitely did not include any such time as this. Vic had been gone now for almost three weeks. Soon it would be a month and still there was no word of how long the separation would last. He still remembered the night they said good-bye as if it was yesterday. He could still smell the unique scent of his partner on himself and see the haunted look when he told him he loved him.

Vic wasn't ready to talk. Not willing to allow Mac inside so easy. He didn't want to lose him though. Leo and Mac needed almost two hours to convince Vic that he needed help.

Professional help.

When he finally accepted they were faced with a new problem. They all knew that Nep would not stay in the background and he would try to persuade Vic to stay away from the trial. And he would try other things that Mac didn't even want to consider, since he was barely able to control the urge to hunt down the man who had hurt his partner.

They finally did what seemed to be best at the moment. They asked the Director for help. Actually Leo asked her. She went to the Agency the next morning and came back with the surprising proposition from the Director to use an old Agency hideout for Leo and Vic while the trial was on. This way they would be able to stay away from Nep and he would not be able to find them, even if he tried. A psychiatrist would work with Vic and this way they could be sure that everything was under control and for Vic's best. Mac had been more then surprised that the Director would do such a thing. He knew that they were one of her best teams -and there were most certainly other teams- but he never thought she'd really care. She told him that she only did it because she wanted to protect her investment in Victor's training. The psychiatrist was in her debt, so it wasn't really inconvenient for her. Mac saw her different from that time on. She did care, and one day, he would use this knowledge to against her. Just payback for all the times she had made his life hell. Not now though, since he felt she had saved Vic from his past and that deserved his best behavior in return. So that was settled. Vic was with Leo......somewhere, and they were safe. Still, he missed him. But he knew it was for the better this way.

The Director approved of his new 'enthusiasm' for work, since he really didn't want to spend anytime alone at home anymore and Li Ann seemed to be quite glad that Vic was out of the picture for now. He had the distinct feeling that she had some trouble accepting the fact that he and Vic were Lovers. If they still were when Vic came back. She wouldn't talk with him about it though, so there was really nothing he could do. And if he was honest to himself, he couldn't really bring himself to care too much about her strange behavior. Somehow along the line of falling in love with Victor he lost all kind of shyness about it. He knew that some people -like Dobrinsky if his green face as the Director talked to Mac about Vic was any indication- considered a same sex relationship as Vic and he had it as something disgusting. A few years ago -pretty much a few weeks ago—this would have bothered him immensely. But now, feeling what he felt for Vic it was simply of no importance for him anymore. He promised himself that he would brag with the older man on his side, as long as Vic would allow it. Maybe even a little bit longer.....

It had been a long day. He and Li Ann were recruited by the director to do some surveillance on one of the agency members, to find out if they had a leek there somewhere, and they had spent the entire day following him around. This guy seemed to be so full of energy that it was pretty exhausting just looking at him. Keeping up with him through his daily routine was more than Mac ever wanted to endure again. And he meant ever. On top of it all, Li Ann had been moody and testy the entire day and he was sick and tired of putting up with her attitude. He had the suspicion that whatever was eating her had to do with him and Vic and he felt the need to talk with her about it. Mostly because he knew if they wouldn't, he would probably try to strangle Li Ann if she said one more time "Whatever'. So he had invited her out for a coffee and surprisingly, she had accepted. It seemed as if she too wanted to talk with him. It still was up to him to make the first step and so he did. In his usual sensitive and correct kind of way.

"Okay, spill it." Well, it was a beginning....

"What do you mean 'spill it?' She feigned surprise. Two could play this game.

"I don't know, you seem unnerved by something and I would like to know what it is."

"It's nothing....really. Well, maybe it is something. It's not your problem though, and I don't want to talk about it."

"It is my problem Li Ann. You've been like this since the night Vic left with Nep when you were there, and I am frankly.....I am sick of it. If you can't stomach the idea of me and Vic being together like we hopefully will be when he comes back we need to talk about it."

"Why, it's not as if one of you cares what my feelings are in this game anymore. My ex boyfriend an my ex fiancée are making out while I am there, and you think it wouldn't bother me?"

"Making out? What the hell are you talking about? It's not as if Vic and I were together then. Sure, we had had sex once, and it was incredible but we are not in a relationship yet, and we weren't then."

"Mac, I don't want to hear about your sex life.....that is so sick."

With those words she was off the chair and out of the restaurant before he even had a chance to tell her that he was sorry. He knew he shouldn't have been so harsh with her. But then again, she shouldn't have been so harsh to call whatever was between him an Vic sick. It was everything but.

When he came home, he was more than tired. Every bone in his body was aching and the worst part of it was that he knew it would stay like this for a while longer. He really needed an ally now. Someone to smirk at him and make everything better with just one touch. Hell, who was he kidding. He didn't need an ally. He needed Vic, and the longer this ordeal stretched, the more aware he was of his dependence on the older man. Gosh, he really needed some sleep now. Something to keep him from thinking. It was too exhausting anyway. He was just waiting for a snort while he thought that, but nothing came.

"Well, who cares anyway..." he mumbled while taking off his shirt and shoes. Before he reached the bathroom to dwell under a long hot shower, he had lost his pants on the way and gave himself an answer to his question.

"You do, Mac. You do!"

No one noticed the man that was sitting in his car, waiting for the dark to settle in and for the lights in the window he was looking up to. When they came on, he knew it was time to do what he came here to do. He just didn't know if he had the guts for it. But then again, it wasn't as if this was really his decision anymore. It was as if everything he did could not stop the pain he felt inside and he would not back off now when he was so close to an answer. Not because he was scared anyway. He was not a coward. He would confront whatever he was feeling and then.....

Who was he kidding anyway. This was not about confronting his fears anymore. It was about missing someone so badly that it was a constant physical ache that he planned to lose tonight. With the only person who was able to ease this pain.

The object of his affection.

He just hoped that this object was still interested in welcoming him home. He had been so fucked up and now he didn't know anymore if he had pushed away the one person that meant so much to him. He took one more long breath and stepped out of the car. Before somebody could see him he melted into the shadows and escaped into the building where he was hopefully still waiting for him. His movements were steady and betrayed his inner turmoil, but his hands shook as he waited for the elevator to take him home. Home to the one he loved. To the one who hopefully loved him too.

The door was locked but he had expected nothing less. He was surprised at how easy it was for him to pick the lock, since he thought his partner would be more careful with his own life. One could never know where there were enemies that needed to be locked out. He was grateful though that he was able to slid into the apartment unseen, cocking his head slightly to listen. Everything was calm now. The lights were out and he was pretty sure that his prey was fast asleep. Slowly and quietly he crossed the room with no sight for anything but the bedroom door, which he reached with a few steps. Slowly opening the door he finally saw him. The figure that—even in the dark and under the covers—took his breath away. For he knew what was behind this figure, knew the soul living in the body and knew that everything the other person was, was the answer to any prayers he ever had. The protectiveness the other man had showed when being confronted with his past was nothing short of amazing for him. Never had there been anybody protective of him. He had always been the one to protect, but now he was looking forward to giving up control, without losing a part of himself.

Then he finally did what he came for. He slipped out of his jacket and his pants and walked towards the sleeping men only in his boxers and T-shirt. Arriving at the far side of the bed he hesitated for a brief moment before a magic spell seemed to lead him forward and he followed the unspoken request of his own heart and crawled into the bed as well. He spooned up behind his partner and kissed his neck before allowing his eyes to shut and his mind coming to rest. Lulled by the warmth inside his arms he snuggled closer and sighed the younger mans name.

"Mac!"

Whatever it was that had allowed him to sleep through one night, he was grateful for it. He hadn't been able to rest completely while Vic wasn't there and he had needed it badly. He came awake slowly and felt so warm and peaceful that he refused to open his eyes yet. Nothing there for him to see. Nothing as good as this feeling of being held by........

What the hell.....

Now he had to open his eyes and what he saw there shocked him to the core and left him feeling even warmer. His partner, his friend, his love was finally where he belonged and he was in these arms that he had missed so much that it had hurt. While turning around to look at his unexpected bedpartner he had moved away a bit from said partner who didn't appreciated this fact one bit. Without coming awake he gravitated towards the missing warmth like a heat searching missile and the frown only left his face when Mac gave in—it had never been so easy to give into something—and wrapped his arms around Vic's waist to gather him close. Mac had to grin when Vic snuggled even closer, his head resting comfortable on Mac's chest and his leg covering Mac's. That for him was paradise. Whatever Vic was doing here, he couldn't bring himself to care. The only thing important to him was right now, that he was here. The rest would fall in place. Now, that they were finally united again. He was sure of this.

Unaware of the person that was watching with the help of modern surveillance equipment Mac gave Vic a loving kiss on the head and closed his eyes once more to go back to sleep. She turned her head while turning of the screen and said to no one in particular, " So, he did come back. Everything seems to be according to my plan then." Her words sounded cold, controlled, but the smile on her face while looking at the picture she held in her hands was sincere and heartfelt. She would make sure everything would work out.

He wasn't too sure what it was that woke him up. Could have been the soft lips on his mouth, the tongue seeking entrance or maybe it was the overwhelming feeling of these talented hands stroking and petting every part of his body at once as it seemed. Whatever it was, it was heavenly. He opened his mouth, welcoming the soft tongue that started invading his mouth as thoroughly as possible. His arms came around his partners body, feeling the broad shoulders, the muscular back moving under his touch and he knew that he had made the right choice with coming here. This was where he was supposed to be.

They both knew they wouldn't last. Soon there touches became frantic and their desperation took over their last working brain cells. Without any effort they moved together as one. Their groins rubbing together and their mouths never leaving each other for even one second. Mac used his hands to bring Vic even closer to his body. Every sigh and moan that left Vic's mouth was the reaffirmation that he had him back. That the man he loved had returned to him and that for the first moment since this all had started both of them were willingly participating. He felt Vic's hands kneading hiss ass cheeks and knew that he couldn't hold it much longer. The sensory overload of having Vic in his arms again and doing the things he had fantasized about was too much for him. Without leaving Vic's tempting lips he came in his boxers. His partner, who in return rubbed himself frantically against Mac, felt the younger man's come through the cloth and moaned into Mac's mouth one more time as he came as well. In an unspoken agreement they both remained in each others arms, holding onto each other with all their might; not willing to let go so easily and not willing to break the spell with words. Mac felt Vic's tears warm and salty on his shoulders but he knew that it were tears of joy and he was not scared anymore. Not for himself and not for his partner. Finally he had to say it. He feared Vic's reaction even more now, than the first time he had said it, but it was as if he was bubbling over with emotions and he could not remain silent anymore.

Vic, who felt his partner tense knew what Mac was worried about. Coming here had been hard because of the words the younger man tried to hold in now, but ultimately he understood that he just had to try. Nothing could stop it now anyway and his feelings would not change if he said the words or not. It was far too late to turn around and he was even more scared of losing the man that became so sacred to him in the short time span they had known each other. So he was the one to break down the walls he had been building for so long. The final leap of trust. His trust into Mac that he wanted to give him. So that for once, Nep would not win.

"Mac.....I know what you want to say, and don't...." he felt the younger man's face fell and hurried to continue. "....Let me say it first. I....I love you!" He expelled the breath he hadn't recognized he was holding and wallowed for a second in the feeling of freedom this admission gave him. Freedom this man had given him.

Mac's face lit up and a grin spread on his face. He nuzzled Vic's throat am mumbled in between kisses he spread all over Vic's throat an face, "I never thought I would hear you say that. I love you, Vic. Welcome home."

End

(For now)

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PG I guess, only once possibly offensive blue language   
Summary: A gunshot wound gives Mac the chance to finally tell Victor his secret.   
Disclaimer: Well, they will never be mine I guess, but right now, I would say they are all fancy free, since Aliience and John Woo didn't take the right care of them.   
Thanks to Antoine de Saint Exupéry, this wonderful person who shared his childhood with us in his wonderful book: Le petit prince. It's his idea I stole, and I hope he forgives me.   
Also I want to give thanks to all the slash writers out there, who are giving a home to all the poor men out there, that would otherwise be alone.   
THANK YOU Kiwi, for great beta, and even greater support   
Comments always welcome and highly appreciated, since this is really my first fanfic ever. 

Feedback: PLEASE [email removed]   
  
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